The World’s Top Seven Love Lies: #7 Fall In Love, Fall Out of Love
Valentine’s Day is on the way and we’re talking about love again. In honor of that noteworthy saint of old and the day that honors his name, we’re counting down the top seven lies that the world tells you about love (you may want to read the intro posted January 28). Our hope is to debunk the myths and find the nature of true love as God designed it. Our guide, as always, is the Bible. So without further ado, I give you love lie #7.
The Idea: Love is something you fall into, and sometimes fall out of. You can’t control it, it just happens to you.
Why do fools fall in love?
The Source: This idea comes in large part from the language that we use. It’s a phrase that’s been around for ages. It’s a fitting one though, because many of us have had this very experience. Finding romantic love is a rush, and the sensation is not unlike falling.
The Verdict: Part truth, part lie. The idea is only true for one kind of love - but not for the sort of love that really counts. You can’t fall into true love, and you definitely can’t fall out of it.
The Bible: “This is how we know what love is, Jesus Christ laid down His life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers.” - 1st John 3:16
“Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue, but in actions and in truth.” - 1st John 3:18
The Truth: The only kind of love than you can fall into is a feeling. It’s sort of a tingly, joyful sensation; sometimes described as butterflies inside. While the feeling of love is fantastic and surely a gift from God, it can be deceving. What’s more, it’s not what the Bible calls for. 1st John 3:18 tells us that the deceptive sort of love is all talk, “love with words or tongue.” The real thing is love “in actions and in truth.” That’s the love that you can’t just fall into and out of. It’s a choice, an action, a sacrifice. “This is how we know what love is, Jesus Christ laid down His life for us.”
The Details: I like that verse in 1st John 3:18 because it talks about a love that is “in truth.” Maybe it has a little clue about that elusive true love that we’re searching for. Let’s dig a little deeper.
The concept of falling in love is so pervasive in our understanding that we hardly even question it. Many of us have even experienced the amazing sensation that we call falling in love. So what could be the problem with such a wonderful feeling?
Actually, the answer is in the question. It’s the feeling that is deceiving. The feeling of love is amazing. And I suppose, if the feeling were the whole thing - then sure, you could fall into that. But if you fell in love and fell out of love - that’s not love. Not the kind of love the Bible talks about, anyway. Maybe you fell in Jello or something, but not love. (Think about it - when you first fall in, it’s all gooey and jiggly and everything is happy; but after a while it all gets old and you just feel stuck in something uncomfortable. See? It’s Jello.)
True love is not a feeling. It is not words. It is the choices you make and the actions you take. When it comes to love, the sensation is awesome - but that cannot be the foundation of a relationship. Check out the verse in 1st John 3:18 again, “let us not love with words or tongue, but in actions and truth.” Words can sound romantic, and they can be convincing - but they don’t prove anything. Love is proven by actions, by the choices you make every day. So what sort of actions should accompany love?
The Marks of True Love Every teenager wonders at some point, “So how do I know if I’m really in love?” That’s a good question. The only problem is that usually the one asking the question is looking for some particular feeling that will tip them off. What they should be looking for is action (not that kind of action - love is definitely not “made” that way). They should be looking for acts that demonstrate love - not like and definitely not lust. If you want to know what real love is, the Bible tells us directly. “This is how we know what love is, Jesus Christ laid down His life for us” (1st John 3:16). True love is found in acts of sacrifice. If I truly love someone, I will do things that genuinely cost me, entirely for their benefit. You don’t know that you’re really in love until you do things for them that have no payback whatsoever.
The real danger of feelings is that they are self centered. True love is others centered. A guy might say, “I love you because I feel so good when I’m around you.” Very romantic, right? Be careful. If that’s all there is to it, then girl, that boy doesn’t love you - he loves himself. You just happen to help him in loving himself more. What happens when the feeling fades? Goodbye Lisa, hello Jessica. If love is something that you just fall into, then it is something that you can fall out of too. Clearly, this is not the recipe for a good relationship. If love is something that you fall in and out of with no power to control it, what hope is there for real commitment? (More on this danger when we get to Love Lie #6).
Now don’t get me wrong here. I feel great when my wife walks in the room. My eyes dance and my toes wiggle just about every time I see her. The Bible talks about that feeling too. Song of Songs is full of it. The verse below is spoken by a loving husband (note that the word sister is a term of affection, not actual family relation):
“You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride. You have stolen my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace. How delightful is your love, my sister, my bride.” Song of Songs 4:9-10
That sort of feeling is amazing - I thoroughly enjoy it. I like to remind young couples to enjoy each other. Don’t miss the magic of romantic love. It is a gift from God, beyond logic and explanation. It just rocks. However, it isn’t the proof of love. It may inspire actions of love, but it doesn’t prove that love is real. The proof of love is sacrifice. A husband proves his love with hard work to provide for his family, and with a thousand acts of servanthood around the house. A boyfriend and girlfriend prove their love by waiting for a physical relationship - sacrificing the powerful urges they have (for more on this, you’ll have to wait for love lie #2).
Working hard from nine to five to pay the bills, then coming home to help with dishes and laundry and rub your wife’s tired feet may not feel very magical - but that is love my friend. That is love. You don’t fall in it, and you don’t fall out of it. You make the choice every morning - not to make yourself feel good, but to make the one you love feel good. The funny thing is, though - there’s something about doing those things that….well, it makes the magic come back.
Well, I hope you enjoyed learning the truth about Love Lie #7. We’ve got six more to go, so stay with us as we count them down. I want to thank my dear friend Rene Lavoie for contributing her amazing artistic talent. You can look forward to more from her as well as we continue the countdown. I also want to thank my wife for loving me so much - and for being so fun to fall in love with every day.
Always in the unfailing love of Christ,
- Pastor Kris ( 8-D=
All verses are quoted from the New International Version, unless otherwise stated.
I have to say, Falling in Jello is a mess. I know this from personal experience. “Falling in love” is even messier. Love the illustration, love the post. Keep it up!
Jonathan told me the story on this one. When he was in youth group years ago, the youth pastor had them dive head first into a big trash can full of real Jello in order to hunt down money wrapped around hot dogs. Dude, youth pastors are crazy. No wonder Jonathan is such a nut.
[...] DETAILS: As you can see, this idea is closely tied with love lie #7 (falling in and out of love). If you haven’t read that one yet, you might want to go back and read that first. If you have [...]