The Top Seven Love Lies of the World
Debunking the myths about love & marriage. Searching for the reality of true love
Love Lie #6: Get Married Because You’re In Love
Step 1 & Step 2
Welcome back to the Bible Sherpa. Valentine’s Day is getting closer and we are at love lie number six in the big countdown. Today’s lie may surprise you. Keep in mind that the most effective lies are not 100% lie - they are truth mixed with lie. Let’s see what today’s lie has in store for us.
THE IDEA: One should marry the person they are in love with.
THE SOURCE: About a million books and movies, from Aladdin to Shrek (and just about every other movie that involves a princess), extols the importance of marrying the one you love. Apparently the arranged marriage thing is the bane of the princess’ lifestyle.
THE VERDICT: This is not so much a lie as it is twisted truth. It is true that love and marriage should be inextricably connected. However, the world has set that connection in reverse. The idea of marrying for love is just fine up through your wedding day. But that only gives you instructions for one day. What should you do after that?
THE BIBLE: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.” - Ephesians 5:25
“Then they (the older women) can train the younger women to love their husbands and children.” - Titus 2:4
THE TRUTH: The world says marry because you are in love. The Bible says love because you are in marriage. The world has it backwards. According to the world, you get married because you’re in love. By that way of thinking, love is a condition and marriage is a choice. While that may work just fine on the wedding day, what really matters happens after the wedding - and every day for the rest of your life. God says give love because you’re in marriage. Marriage is the condition; love is the choice.
THE REAL LIE: The real lie in this idea is hidden. It is tucked away in the unspoken next step: what happens when a couple is married, but no longer in love? They get un-married of course. Bad idea. Go back to the Word of God and you’ll find His design.
THE DETAILS: As you can see, this idea is closely tied with love lie #7 (falling in and out of love). If you haven’t read that one yet, you might want to go back and read that first. If you have read it, let’s dig into this one a little deeper…
Love and marriage, love and marriage. They just go together, don’t they? Sort of like a horse and carriage, right?
Yes, they do. Or at least they should. Every one of us in Western culture grows up with the romantic notion that you should marry for love. My guess is that you could spend the next hour coming up with movie and book titles that sell you on this one basic philosophy. How do all these movies end? The hero marries their true love, and they all live happily ever after, of course.
Enter stage right: reality. If you pay attention, you’ll notice that marriage doesn’t work out so easily. Think about it. Why is it that all the movies sell us on the romantic notion of marrying for love, and all of the TV shows mock the results? Whatever happened to happily ever after?
How about this reality check: Americans are probably more sold on this romantic ideology than any other people. So why do we have the second highest divorce rate in the world? (According to Wikipedia stats, we beat out Sweden by just one tenth of a percent). Something just isn’t adding up here. Somewhere, somehow, I think we lost the plot in the old book of love.
The World’s Lowest Divorce Rate
Here’s another tough dose of reality: guess what kind of marriages have the lowest divorce rate? Seriously, take a guess… Arranged. According to Wikipedia’s divorce statistics, the country with the lowest divorce rate in the world is India. In a country where well over ninety percent of marriages are arranged, only 1.1% of marriages end in divorce. That should be an eye opener. (Keep in mind that arranged and forced are not the same thing. Most young Indians are given the final say about their parents’ choice of mate).
Am I advocating that we turn back the clocks and start making deals with the neighbors while our kids are still toddlers? Not necessarily. That’s not the answer that I’m getting at here. However, I am saying that Americans can learn a lesson. The cultures that embrace arranged marriage have something that many of us have lost: a reverent respect for the institution of marriage. I know it doesn’t sound romantic, but it’s a powerful force. Many Indians (as in people for India) will be quick to point out that an arranged marriage does not mean a loveless one. They are often quite intent about finding love with their arranged spouse. They can still put love and marriage in the same boat, they just switch the order. Now before you go packing your bags for India, I believe that there are some things that we can learn here in our own country.
Back to the Bible
Obviously, we’re doing something wrong here in America. I appreciate our romantic ideals, but we’ve got to get real and get back to what marriage was meant to be. I believe the Bible has the answer. God created marriage. He designed it and made it holy and beautiful. If He designed it, then He knows how it’s supposed to work. Though other countries may consider us to be a Christian nation, we are a long ways off from living according to God’s Word. Let’s take a look at what the Bible has to say about the connection between love and marriage:
- Ephesians 5:25 “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.”
- “Then they (the older women) can train the younger women to love their husbands and children.” - Titus 2:4
God calls husbands to love their wives, and wives to love their husbands. (As an interesting side note, there are two different Greek words used for love here. Husbands are called to sacrificial love. Wives are called to sisterly or friendly love. However, we’ll save the discussion on the God-given roles of husband and wife for love lie #1). Not once does the Bible command you to marry for love - or even suggest it. It doesn’t discourage it either, of course. There’s nothing wrong with marrying for love per se, it’s just missing the main point. (Note: Marrying for love may be wrong in cases involving temporary blindness. Sometimes “love” can blind you to the fact that you are marrying an idiot). Also, it only gives you direction for your wedding day. What do you do after that?
Marriage is only an action for one day of your life. From there on out, it is a condition. Love is an action every day. Every day you make a choice - you make the decision to love.
The problem with this lie is not the marrying for love. That’s great. I’ll be honest with you - I got married because I was madly in love. If you have that too - awesome. Thank God for such a gift. The real problem with this backwards way of thinking is the natural conclusion that it brings you to. That’s where this seemingly harmless romantic notion becomes deadly. Here’s how the worldly lie really goes:
The Real Lie
If you believe that you should get married because you are in love, then what should you do when you’re not in love anymore? Get unmarried, of course. That’s the real lie, and it has twisted its way into the minds of countless husbands and wives. The carnage of this lie is endless. Spouses lose the feeling, so they leave the marriage. I am astounded when I hear this insidious logic come from the mouths of Christians. It usually sounds something like this:
“I’m just not in love anymore.”
“We just fell out of love.”
“I’m not sure if we were ever truly in love.”
They’ve got it backwards. They believe that the feeling of love is the foundation for marriage, commitment is the daily decision, and acts of kindness are the natural result. All three of those are integral parts of love - feelings, commitment, and kindness - but they’re in the wrong order. When the feelings are gone, they decide to uncommit - and the kindness just gets lost in the shuffle. That’s all wrong. It’s mixed up. If you think of love as an emotion that just happens to you, you are bound to fail. Emotions can never make a solid foundation for anything. God’s way is better.
Building a Marriage on the Right Foundation
The foundation of a Godly marriage is commitment (and the strongest are set securely in the Rock of Christ). The daily decision is love - acts of kindness, romance and genuine sacrifice. That’s the love that God commands husbands and wives to show. And what about the feeling? That amazing feeling of butterflies dancing on your fingertips - that’s the result. It’s lagniappe. The more you sacrifice your own needs and serve your spouse, the more you feel the emotion of love. Too many spouses wait for the feeling to inspire them to show kindness. Get real. If you lose the feeling for a while, don’t worry about it. Just serve more. Do something romantic because you’re married, not because you feel like it. Your feelings will follow your actions.
Quit Following Your Idiotic Heart
The world says follow your heart, but the world is foolish. The Bible says that your heart can be deceitful and wicked (Jeremiah 17:9) - not a good thing to follow. Rather than follow your lying heart, follow God’s commands. The world says that you cannot make yourself love someone; but God commands us to love on many occasions. Love your spouse, love your neighbor, even love your enemy. But how can you create love that you don’t feel? You just give it. You share care and concern; you show generosity and kindness; you listen and you give. If you treasure your spouse by investing time and money and caring, your heart will follow. Jesus said, “Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also” (Matthew 6:21).
My Story
I have been happily married to my beautiful wife since August 3rd, 1996. After twelve years, we still flirt with each other like teenagers. I just can’t help it. I have found that when I choose to serve and make sacrifices for her, I treasure her all the more. When I get so busy with work that I don’t feel romantic at all - that’s the best day to go buy flowers and do some of her chores at home. Nothin’ says lovin’ like a bouquet of roses on a clean basket of neatly folded laundry. Remember - do something thoughtful - not because you feel romantic, but because you feel married. Give love because you’re in marriage.
Well, that wraps it up for love lie #6. I want to thank Rene Lavoie once again for her fantastic artwork for this series. I also want to thank God for smiling upon me so much. Thank You Lord for the incredible gifts of love and marriage. For the rest of you - please tune in again for Love Lie #5 - possibly the most dangerous myth of them all. Until then, I’d love to get your comments, stories and insights. Share them here or send me email at info@thebiblesherpa.com. Also, I’m still taking nominations for the most ridiculous love songs of all time (make comments to that post). Finally - don’t forget to post a link for your friends on facebook (etc.) using the easy little “Share and Enjoy” buttons below. We appreciate it!
Always in the unfailing love of Christ,
Pastor Kris ( 8-D=
I would just like to point-out following:
You mentioned that India has the lowest divorce rate (1.1%). That is true, but being from Indian-like background, i know, that reason for such a low divorce rate is nothing to do with marriage being arranged or love; But because of cultural restrictions and norms. If you can somehow make india a place where getting divorced is socially acceptable and people actually have freedom to chose to get un-married, you’ll see divorce rates jump up to the levels you see in western countries.
So the high divorce rate in western countries reflects the freedom we have in those countries in my opinion.
Hey Shaz - Thanks so much for the insight! As someone who has grown up in the West, I would not presume to understand much about Indian culture. It’s always better to hear from someone who really knows it. I did do some research online to get some understanding from folks in India. I was impressed by the fact that many young people like the idea of arranged marriage - the careful choice of their parents upon which they still had a say. More importantly, I saw that love was still a part of the equation for them. They talked about love as something that they worked towards once they were in a marriage. I like that. That is Biblical wisdom that works no matter what religion or culture you are brought up in.
I’m not saying your religion doesn’t matter. I believe in Christ with all my heart, that He is the way, the truth and the life. I would love to share my wonderful hope in Christ with every arranged married couple in India :). However, here in a country where most would call themselves Christian, we have a pitifully high divorce rate. But can we blame the high divorce rate on our faith? Christian or not, we reap what we sew. If we live by worldly wisdom and mixed up romantic notions, we will get the same result that anyone else will. On the other hand, the Biblical wisdom of loving your spouse because you are married will work for couples no matter where in the world they live or what they believe.
I like what you said about freedom. I agree that it is connected with our divorce rate. Freedom has its blessings and its drawbacks. “He who the Son sets free is free indeed.” I am free in Christ, but I must keep that in check. “The love of Christ constrains me.” God’s love for me holds me back from all kinds of stupid things I might choose to do with my freedom.
Thanks again for the input! I love to get insight from different backgrounds and different opinions.
- Kris ( 8-D=