Debunking the most common myths about love and marriage & searching for the reality of true love

Love Lie #4: You Complete Me

After a short hiatus, we are back on the love lie countdown. We are up to number four. Once again I want to remind you that the love lies on this countdown are not all 100% lie. In fact, I would say that today’s idea is mostly true. It even has some Biblical backing to it. Let’s take a look…

The Idea: Every man and woman is somehow incomplete inside, and needs that one magical person to make them whole again. 

The Source: This lovely romantic notion was made popular by Tom Cruise in the nineties box office hit, Jerry McGuire. However, the idea has been around for ages. You can trace this all the way back to the day God took a rib out of Adam’s chest to make a bride for him. When a husband and a wife come together, the Bible says that they make one flesh. So this “you complete me” idea makes a lot of sense. After all, the feeling of loneliness can be an awful lot like having a hole in your heart (does anyone besides me remember the Cyndi Lauper song, There’s a Hole In My Heart that Goes All the Way to China? Boy was that an oversight in the ridiculous love song countdown!)

The Verdict: I’d say this one is partially true, but it’s missing something (sort of like our hearts). Finding your one true love does fill a void inside - but it’s just not enough. You’re still not quite whole.

The Bible:  “He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men, yet no man can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.” - Ecclesiastes 3:11 (NIV, emphasis added).

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy.” - Ephesians 5:25-26 (NIV, emphasis added)

The Truth: Yes, it is true that when bride and groom come together, they become one. Yes, it is true that finding that one magical person can make that empty feeling in your heart go away - but not completely. As I said, this one is mostly true. The problem is that every one of us is missing too much for any other person to fill, no matter how magical they are. I know this from personal experience (see My Story below). Ecclesiastes 3:11 says that God took the trouble to set eternity in each of our hearts. Now that’s a big hole! In fact,it is a God shaped hole. Only God can fill the true void in your heart. Only Jesus can make us whole (and only in the English language can the word hole and the word whole mean such wholly different things). 

That brings me to one of the most important words in the english language: holy. Sadly, it has largely lost its meaning for most of us. Holy has two essential meanings that work together. Holy means 1) whole or complete; and 2) set apart for a special purpose. Jesus gave up His life to make us holy (Ephesians 5:26 & Hebrews 13:12). He set us apart for a special purpose, and only He can make us complete.  

My Story: I am quite familiar with the feeling of a hole in the heart. It was my constant companion for several lonely years. Oh I had good friends and good family, but I just knew I was missing something.  For years I thought, “If I just met the right girl, everything would be okay.” Well, at long last, I met her (okay, so I was only sixteen; but it certainly felt like a long wait at the time). If there is one person in this world magical enough to fill that hole in my heart, it is definitely my Andrea. She is without a doubt the fairest of them all (and the magicalest, for that matter). We fell madly in love and have never looked back. At first, I thought I had finally found it - everything I ever needed. But a strange thing happened - or rather didn’t happen. The empty feeling didn’t quite go away. Not that Andrea wasn’t perfect for me. I still knew that she was. I felt like she had completed one part of my heart, but now I realized that there was another part. This one was much deeper, and it still longed for something that was missing. I couldn’t figure it out - what else could possibly be missing? 

The Problem: So what’s wrong with the idea that some other amazing person completes you? After all, you do have the Adam’s rib story in the Bible, so it does make some sense (I’m sure that every wife can attest to the fact that there are times when her man is definitely not all there mentally). The real issue with the “you complete me” idea is that it puts way too much pressure on your spouse (or boyfriend or girlfriend). When you need him or her to be your everything, that just isn’t fair. He or she is bound to let you down one way or the other. It happens all too often. Some people run away when that kind of pressure is put on them. Other times when a person realizes that their spouse can’t fulfill their every need inside, they go off to find someone who can. It just won’t work. 

The Solution: The healthiest couples are those who have each found their wholeness in Christ. When God has made you whole, you don’t have to put those impossible expectations on your spouse. What’s more, you have so much more to give! Now I don’t claim to understand the inner workings of the heart. However, I do know the Bible and I know my own experience - so this is what I’ve put together: 

I picture the heart as having different parts to it. Mine has a place for friends and a place for my kids; and then there is a very special place for my wife as well. Yet my heart is not complete until I fill that other place set aside for the one I will serve - my King; my God. It is that eternity that He has set in my heart, that only the eternal One can fill. For me, it was a longing so deep that I couldn’t even describe it. Before I had that place filled, I was unendingly self centered - always needing from others, rarely giving. When God completed me, it was like an overflowing. Jesus says that rivers of living water will flow from us so that we will have plenty to give. It was certainly true for me. Now that Christ has satisfied my heart, my view of love has changed from something I need to get into something that I long to give. Jesus has made me whole. (I would like to point out, however, that my Andrea is still amazingly magical).

So what are your thoughts? I must admit that my concepts about love are not what you’d call exact science. Love is a tricky thing to understand, and it would be foolish of me to claim that I’ve got it all figured out. I’m just me, and that’s not all that much. So I’d love to hear what you have to say on the subject. Send in a comment and share it with the rest of us!

That’s all for love lie #4. Thanks for staying tuned to the Bible Sherpa. I am pouring most of my time into getting the Bible Guides ready and preparing to podcast, so stay tuned for those (and please be patient on the love lie countdown!) Lots of thanks to everyone who clicks the buttons below to share the Bible Sherpa on your facebook, etc. Until next time…

Always in the unfailing love of Christ, 

 - Kris  ( 8-D=

Debunking the most common myths about love and marriage & searching for the reality of true love

Definitely not the Greatest Love of All

 

 It’s Valentine’s Day and the Bible Sherpa is back with a special holiday treat. Think of this blog post like a conversation heart - a really big one with a whole bunch of words. Okay, that didn’t even make sense. Let’s get to the point, shall we. Today we are up to number five in the big countdown.  Drumroll please…

Love Lie #5: You Can’t Love Someone Else Until You Learn to Love Yourself (aka the Importance of Self Esteem)

The Idea: You cannot truly learn to love others until you first learn to love yourself. Generally, this is presented as a self esteem issue. Basically they tell you that you must first feel good about yourself before you can show any real care for others. 

The Source: This one is rooted in modern psychology, which puts a major emphasis on self image and self esteem. I heard this idea repeatedly from my elementary school teachers. The idea has found it’s way into pop-culture as well, to the point that it has become a generally accepted idea in America’s cultural understanding. (You may also remember this lie from a song that I sang at my sixth grade graduation - see the Top 7 most ridiculous love songs post for details).

The Verdict: While low self esteem will affect your relationships with others, a high self esteem is not the solution. Whether it is low or high, self-esteem is still self-centered. True love is others-centered (you may notice this is becoming a common thread here in our love lie countdown). The kind of esteem you really need is God-esteem - to see yourself through God’s eyes. 

The Bible:  “But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money…lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God” - 2nd Timothy 3:1-4 NIV

“Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves.” - Philippians 2:3 NLT (also translated “esteem others higher than yourself”)

“Don’t think you are better than you really are. Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves, measuring yourselves by the faith God has given us.” - Romans 12:3b NLT

The Truth: The premise behind love lie #5 is true: if you don’t feel good about yourself, you will probably have trouble being nice to others. According to the worldly lie, however, you can solve this problem by learning to love yourself. Not a good idea. That only puts more focus on you. You already spend enough time thinking about yourself, you don’t need more. The verse in 2nd Timothy 3 (above) tells us that the last days will be full of people who love themselves - and it is definitely not a good thing. 

The Real Solution: When it comes to your love, the Bible calls you to focus on two things: love for God and love for others. On the other side of the coin, the love that you need to receive does not come from yourself - it comes from God. He already loves you, you just need to open your eyes to see just how much. 

“And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.” - Ephesians 3:17-19

When you really grasp just how your Creator sees you, and just how much He loves you - then love for others will come naturally to you. Basically it works like this: God pours love into us, and we pass it on to others. If you feel lousy about yourself - about your looks or your life - don’t try to build yourself up about how great you are. That just leads to pride, and that’s ugly no matter how you look on the outside. Romans 12:3 (above) calls us to be honest and sober when we evaluate ourselves, with a healthy dose of humilty. We are who we are - strengths and weaknesses, beauty and blemishes. If you want to feel good about yourself, ask God to show you how He sees you. He created you, made you exactly the way He wants you, and has a great plan for you. Jesus sees you just as you are, and He still believes that you are worth dying for!  Not only that, He sees much more than who you are now - He sees who you are going to be.

“…the most important and effective ingredient of a healthy self-concept is to know Him, His love, and His fellowship” – from Josh McDowell’s Handbook on Counseling Youth

Remember.. 

It’s not about self-esteem, but esteeming others higher than you. Then God will esteem you highly. (James 4:10)

It’s not about self-image, but knowing that you are made in the image of God (Genesis 1:27)

It’s not about self-confidence, but confidence that God will complete his good work in you (Philippians 1:6)

It’s not about self-love, but love for God and love for others; and knowing the incredible love that Jesus has for you (Ephesians 3:19).

That’s it for Love Lie #5. I hope and pray that you are growing in love and giving more love and you learn to tell the truth from lies. I remembered a great verse that really captures my hopes for you as I write this series:

“And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight” - Philippians 1:9.

Isn’t that awesome?! Keep on loving, and keep on seeking after the knowledge of that amazing gift that we call true love!

Always in the unfailing love of Christ, 

 - Pastor Kris  ( 8-D=